In the intricate ballet of human relationships, the act of people-pleasing often takes the spotlight, its origins reaching back to the early years of childhood. According to a therapist and owner of Eggshell Therapy, individuals inclined towards people-pleasing likely forged a connection between self-worth and meeting external expectations during their formative years.
As these individuals mature into adulthood, the challenge becomes unravelling the learned behaviours and steering towards self-compassion. Recognizing the need for self-care without succumbing to feelings of selfishness or guilt becomes paramount.
For those who share their lives with people-pleasers, understanding the intricacies of this trait becomes crucial. Therapists and experts suggest steering clear of certain situations to avoid putting people-pleasers in predicaments that force them to neglect their own needs or desires.
- ‘Come on, just do it!’
People-pleasers often find it challenging to say no, making it imperative not to coerce them into activities or decisions. A marriage and family therapist advises allowing them the space to make their own decisions and respecting their choices.
For the people-pleasers themselves, taking a moment to reflect on their desires before succumbing to external pressure becomes essential. A simple, tactful decline, such as “I’d love to go, but I just can’t. Thanks for asking, though!” can convey their wants without causing discomfort.
- ‘I love you, but you’re being a doormat.’
Using the term “doormat” can be particularly hurtful, suggesting weakness or a lack of self-respect. A psychologist advises people-pleasers to acknowledge such comments without internalizing them, focusing on setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care.
In response, people-pleasers can assertively explain their choice to be kind and helpful, emphasizing the ongoing effort to establish boundaries.
- ‘You didn’t have to do that.’
When people-pleasers go above and beyond, expressing appreciation without devaluing their efforts becomes crucial. A psychotherapist suggests reassuring them that their actions are appreciated while conveying the understanding that they are not obligated to go to such lengths consistently.
For the people-pleasers themselves, introspection becomes key. Evaluating the motivation behind their actions, perhaps through journaling, can help understand whether these actions stem from personal desires or external expectations.
- ‘I expected better of you.’
People-pleasers often tie their self-worth to proving their value through actions. A counselling and wellness services founder cautions against statements like this, which reinforce the belief that failure in actions equates to a lack of lovability.
For those navigating this struggle, remembering that others’ disappointment may not reflect their worth becomes vital. Building resilience to others’ anger involves changing thought patterns and self-talk, separating the evaluation of behaviour from intrinsic worth.
- ‘You know, so-and-so won’t be happy about that.’
Adding unnecessary peer pressure to a people-pleaser’s decision-making process can be counterproductive. A therapist recommends assessing the reasonableness of others’ expectations and, if necessary, working on tolerating the discomfort of someone not being pleased with their choices.
Internally, people-pleasers can shift their dialogue, reminding themselves that external dissatisfaction doesn’t diminish their worth. The journey towards self-discovery and asserting one’s needs may be challenging, but it is a vital step towards breaking free from the conditioning that shaped these tendencies.
In conclusion, understanding the intricacies of people-pleasing is the first step towards fostering healthier relationships. It requires a delicate balance of empathy, clear communication, and, most importantly, encouraging individuals to embark on the journey of self-discovery and self-compassion. As we navigate these complexities, a compassionate approach can pave the way for stronger, more authentic connections.